today you are a grand four months old. and your smiles bounce off the walls of my heart.
oh wait. you’re sleeping! i might actually be able to write a real post during this precarious window of 30-45 minutes before you wake up. but all the things that vie for my attention while you nap are vying. the plants need watering. the dishes need doing. the calls need making. the dinner needs defrosting. and as for the fun stuff…don’t get me started. where am i supposed to find the time for the FUN STUFF?! i mean, those documentaries in my netflix queue aren’t going to watch themselves. but here we are. you sleeping and me typing because of this gnawing fear i have in my core that if i don’t record your milestones and moments, i’ll wake up one day and you’ll be a teenager and all of this will feel like remnants of a dream.
so here we go. where to begin?
at four months old you are still a curious, attentive, observant little being. you watch the people around you with interest and fascination and take note of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. i don’t know if it’s because i wore the same uniform of maternity leggings and tank tops for the past four months, but now that i’m actually wearing a variety of clothing, you feel the need to inspect it all. the patterns of my dresses. my necklace choice. the belt. nothing goes unnoticed by those giant blue eyes of yours.
your dad and i are still regaining our footing. finding our equilibrium as a family of 3. figuring out schedules and strategies and the exact scientific formula that curbs your carseat fits o’ rage. right now, the cocktail of rhianna’s cd, cold air blasting and a friend in the backseat seem to help distract you enough from the torture that is being in a car. but you see little phix, when you do comply, we get to go on mini excursions to seek out colorful walls, and in case you haven’t noticed, your mama LOVES HERSELF SOME COLORFUL WALLS.
last week, my friend ladan visited. she calls you ‘googooly’ and is a big fan of your chunky thighs. it was so lovely having her here – she’s known me for nearly a decade and seen me through some of my highest highs and lowest lows.
she also took this photo which might be one my favorite of the two of us, ever.
in other news, you have discovered your feet. yes, even more appendages to chew on. and i don’t blame you. your toes were made for nibbling on and since you’ve been born i’ve been gobbling you up, so the fact that you are now following suit just means that you are a fast learner. and maybe i can get a bumper sticker for our car that says ‘future honors student’ or something equally braggy and annoying.
i’ll be honest and admit that the past few weeks have been hard. i’m still feeling this incredible pressure (from myself and no one else) to do.it.all. to be there for you and for my partners at work. there are so many moments when i’m distractedly holding you while my head is focussed on my never-ending task list, my fingers typing an email on my phone, and my shoulders heavy because there just doesn’t seem to be enough time.
today as i was leaving for he office, you stared up at me and i saw a look of concern flash across your face. you didn’t cry but you definitely registered that i was about to leave. it’s the first time i’ve ever seen that look and it slayed me. for a split second i thought about dropping everything. my laptop, bag, keys. kicking off my shoes and just holding you. but you were in the safest of hands and i needed to go. and when i returned home a few hours later you gave me one of your 1000 watt smiles and i felt like in your own way you were telling me that it was ok. that you understood that sometimes i have to leave, because in your heart you know i’ll always come back to you.