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// she's only happy in the sun.
Jan 13
1 comment


dearest little heart,

i wanted to write you a letter on the day you turned 11 months. but that was three days ago. and here we are. and somehow it’s apt that i’m running three days late. because that’s how our life rolls lately. almost there, not quite. on the verge of big things and giant opportunities, but all the while being reminded, whenever you catch my eye and break into a smile, that it’s the ‘small’ stuff that matters most. yes, we’re caught in a whirlwind of momentum and movement and good intentions that wait in the wings for the right time. or any time, for that matter. but we are constantly growing and expanding and learning. as individuals and as a family. and it all leaves me a bit breathless.

and here’s what i’ve realized. the people who told me that i could have it all, but that it would be incredibly exhausting, were absolutely right.

our days smudge one into another. weekends begin with your bright eyes staring at us expectantly at 7am. and then it’s another monday morning and i’m not really sure what we did in between. your papa pulls late nights and early starts, and i pack your lunch while constructing emails in my head for the notes i need to give on an edit before a deadline. work meetings take precedence over lunch and before i’ve made a sizable dent in my to-do’s, it’s already time to make the mad dash to pick you up. driving home, i take conference calls from the car and you take off your socks and fling them over the backseat. and somehow, we make it work.

and then we’re home and, understandably, you want my attention. so we sing pattercake and itsy bitsy spider, and you clap your hands and sign for more. more. more. you point to the laptop because you want to watch your favorite music videos – currently coldplay, mumford and sons, and lumineers top your charts. and even though at one point, i had resolved to hold off exposing you to screens until you were over the age of two, i’ve since eaten those words because watching you, watching these videos, is the most adorable thing ever. here’s proof.

i think i’ve mentioned this before, but baby boy, you love food.

your doctor looked at us wide eyed as i explained what you ate for breakfast – half a banana, half an avocado, a bunch of cheese, and a mountain of cheerios. you have a huge appetite and i’ve never given you anything that you’ve spat out or disliked. you actually ate falafel the other day so i’d venture to say your tastes are more adventurous than 70% of americans. we spent last weekend in san francisco and you had your first taste of ice cream. you made a face because of how cold it was and then snatched the spoon from my hands in your frenzy to devour more of it. so much for my resolution to never ever let you have any processed sugar on my watch.

wow, i’m bad at resolutions.

you’re such an easy going and sweet little boy. you have a repertoire of ‘acts’ that you bust out to charm new friends that includes clapping, singing, dancing and when you REALLY need the floor, you pretend to choke on your food and then burst into giggles when we all stare at you with wide eyes of shock and worry.

your latest one-man show is standing up unassisted. the pride on your face when you achieve your balance is so unbridled, that my heart swells and threatens to explode.

and as you’re figuring out your equilibrium on our shag carpet. we’re figuring out our equilibrium as a family. and we have lots to learn, and there’s so much we still don’t know. big stuff – like how to achieve a better balance between our work and the other aspects of our lives. and the smaller stuff like what sort of milk i need to give you now that you’re nursing less. cow? goat? almond? soy? hemp? UNICORN TEARS PERHAPS?

sometimes, as i’m changing your diaper at the end of the day, i’ll let you roll around on our bed in all your naked glory. your papa and i chase you and chomp on your juicy thighs and dimpled rump, and blow kisses on your round belly. you giggle and shriek and helplessly swat us away with your pudgy hands. and after a while, we all tire each other out and collapse as a family and cuddle together. and yes, it’s all exhausting, and it’s true i’ve never worked harder in my life, but it’s in those moments that i know, with certainty, that i have everything i’ve ever wanted out of my life.


Jan 13

today was a big day for phoenix hugh.

we managed to capture the first time he stood, completely unassisted. it happened while shooting a little comedy clip for friends who work at TED.

Jan 13


dearest little darling,

i thought i’d try your letter in list form this time:

1. seemingly overnight, you transformed from a squishy, smiley baby, to a playful little child. there is this knowing spark in your eyes and a sense of newfound understanding about the world that surrounds you. you are becoming more independent and even starting to STAND unassisted. i blink and suddenly you’ve learned a new skill. it feels like weeks ago you were lying in my arms like the most angelic lump i’d ever witnessed and now you open cupboards and empty out the contents and place bowls on your head and laugh and laugh.

2. your giggles should be bottled up and prescribed as antidepressants.

3. a pretty hefty mullet was encroaching so i cut your hair for the second time, but i rushed and made a bit of a mess of it. your papa says i gave you a ‘monk’ hair cut. in my defense you were trying to eat the scissors i had in my hand so i wasn’t able to do my best work.

4. i don’t know if it’s because you’ve watched me sweep our hardwood floors almost-daily (because i know for sure it’s not a habit you’ve picked up from your father), but you’ve become enamored with brooms and ‘sweeping’. yes, there are cleaner things you could be playing with, but i try to look on the bright side and think about how you are BUILDING IMMUNITY! oh, is that a rock in your mouth? no problem – you’re just BUILDING IMMUNITY! wait, you’re chewing on the sole of my shoe that was just traipsing about the new york subway? no biggie. IMMUNITY! this illusion(?) helps me not want to vomit as much.

5. a few weeks ago, you went on your third big trip to date – it was a giant day of travel that started at 7am and (due to delayed flights) ended at 2am! we flew to brooklyn, new york to be with family and friends, and frolic together in one of our favorite cities in the world. you’ve been an amazing traveller – easy-going, and up for adventure even though we’ve totally messed with your routine/schedule. also, you’ve won over every passerby that sees you. i am constantly showered with compliments about you, and for the first time in my life, i’m finding it easy to smile and say thank you (instead of deflecting and/or dismissing) because i totally agree. i mean, BEHOLD YOUR CUTENESS:

7. also, you rock a bowtie better than any williamsburg hipster.

8. you have a voracious appetite for all.the.things. you love string cheese, yogurt, banana’s, avocados and mashed sweet potatoes. your favorite thing is gently picking up little pieces of sour dough bread and feeding yourself. the other night your grandma nikki (who we call ‘gramani’) gave you a little sip of herbal tea and you LOVED it – i’m sure it’s because you’re a little aristocrat (i’ve obviously been watching too much downton abbey).

9. a few days ago you saw your first t-rex skeleton at the natural history museum and started clapping excitedly. good job holding out until you saw something really worth clapping for ;)

10. everyday we create memories that i attempt to etch on my heart. yesterday we walked around central park and you were bundled up in your snow suit laying against my chest admiring the trees and squirrels. as i walked briskly, and worried about your hands being too cold (you refuse to wear your mittens) i noticed you were softly signing to yourself. your sweet little voice carried in the wind and warmed me up from the inside-out. i fell in love with your papa’s voice before i had even met him, and it makes me excited to think about the day when you will sing together.

11. and as the clock struck midnight this december 31st, i thought about how 2012 will always be treasured as the year you arrived into our lives and flooded even the darkest corners of our hearts with your bright light. the year that i became a mother. and the year that you, with your blue-berry eyes, and contagious smile, and chewy thighs, made us a family.

i adore you so much my ten-month old treasure.



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