THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
12
May 13
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motherhood: simultaneously the most terrifying and most beautiful thing i’ve ever experienced.

today was/is mother’s day.

[side note: generally, i’m not the biggest fan of over-commercialized holidays where expectations run amuck and a big deal is made out of LOVE! or INDEPENDENCE! or CANDY! and yeah, i know that might make me sound like a miserly curmudgeon but it’s actually quite the opposite. the reality is, just like i don’t want to be ambivalent about love until valentine’s day, or save up all my celebratory glee for birthdays, i don’t want a single day where i celebrate being a mother – i want all the days.

because guess what? we’re here! we made it to this moment! and there are so many adventures ahead! and when my son reaches for my hand my heart flutters and i’m giddy in love! and it’s all just so damn sweet.

and i know that my posture of positivity could be frowned upon by some. i mean angst has always had a ‘cooler’ reputation than joy, but i can’t help it. i’ve never been able to occupy the ‘glass half empty’ state for too long, because i know better. i know bitterness and tears, failures and fears, so i readily recognize the sweetness and joy that surrounds me.

the darkest of nights make stars shine the brightest.]

*

um, that was a very long and meandering side note.

*

anyway, while i don’t get carried away with the commercialization of it all, i am still all for celebrating mothers. and along with them, women in general. women who may one day be mothers, who are forging and fashioning themselves to be the best they can be. women who are striving for excellence and are powerful agents for creativity and growth. brave women who long to be mothers but cannot, and so are trying to adopt. and women who may never be mothers who are mentoring, educating and empowering other people’s children.

let’s celebrate all of them today. heck, let’s celebrate them everyday.

*

today, phix had his first serious fever. he woke up hot and clammy and all of our gallivanting out to breakfast and the farmers market was marred by our concern that he wasn’t feeling well. after his midday nap i thought that it might help to take him for a little dip in the pool since it was such a hot day and our house felt like an oven. the water was refreshingly cold and i held his little body close to mine and breathed him in, marvelling at how delicious it was to be holding my boy as we circled around in the water, with the sunniest of blue skies overhead. after a few minutes, phix rested his head on my chest and his eyes started to close drowsily. and that’s when i started to feel a seed of panic. i knew he’d just woken from a nap and it’s not like phixy to be lethargic. dev took his temperature and it was really high. as in call-the-doctor-high. and suddenly everything around me ground to a standstill.

it’s ok, he’s going to be fine. he still has a fever – but we’re managing it with infant tylenol and cold wash cloths…and so here i am, typing this as i sit by his crib. watching his back as it rises and falls with his breath. every few minutes i touch his forehead, and check his temperature, and skype with my mum to get her advice.

and all the while, realizing fully that this is motherhood.

this pendulum that swings between utter bliss and pure terror. this constant ebb and flow where one minute i feel like i am figuring it all out, and the next, realizing i don’t have anything under control.

and it’s doing a number on this heart of mine. but i wouldn’t trade any of it. i’ll sit and hold my baby all night long, because that’s what a mother does.

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