THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
16
Jul 12

all the things. and none of the things.

my little boy is growing. fast. i know. i should have expected this. after all, every single human who has had progeny finds it imperative to tell me that “they grow sooo fast”. but i still didn’t expect it to be this fast. i didn’t expect to put phix down for a nap, only to pick him up 45 minutes later to find he has outgrown his outfit. he is now so delightfully chubby that i have to clean out lint from the folds of his chunky thighs. you think i don’t have better things to do with my time baby? actually, you’re right. you win.

**

i’m a sucker for the little thoughtful rituals that people create together. one of ours is that anytime dev goes to the grocery store he brings me back a treat. in over 4 years of grocery-storing, he has not returned home ‘treat-less’ even once. usually it’s a piece of fruit. a perfect unblemished pear. or an exotic goodie like a pomegranate. last night he came home with a little box of baklava. (very dangerous). one thing i do is make our bed, fold his pajamas and place them under his pillow. i know it’s small and relatively insignificant but these little acts of service speak volumes to me. it’s not about the treats or the made bed, it’s about remembering the other person. as our days race by and we get caught up in the hustle of it all, i’m so grateful that we continue to make each other so damn happy.

**

look HOW LITTLE my smooch was once upon a time!

**

this is going to be rambling and hard to understand. apologies in advance. i just don’t have enough time to rearrange my words and craft sentences to achieve coherency and succinctness. i have to snatch these fleeting minutes when my hands are free so if there is a moment to write for myself, it looks like this. a tumble of words about how you can have it all. how you can look around and not truly want for anything. and yet in the seed of your stomach there is an aching. a longing for something. and you don’t know whether it is a full night of sleep. or the need to be adventuring on cobblestone streets in cities yet unexplored. or the ability to simply turn on a tap and drink the water because you aren’t afraid of flouride and chlorine. but there it is. this pang of wanting that is rooted in my core and isn’t abated by a walk outside, the perfect cup of coffee, hand holding, or a schedule packed to the brim. and so i sit with it and to use a terribly life-coachy phrase, i ‘honor’ the feeling. but then i also wonder how to excavate it. how to pull it up by the roots and fill the hole left behind with a quiet contentment. but it isn’t something i can always get a hold of, after all i can’t even ‘name’ what it is i want. and so i wonder if i will carry this fracture, this sense of not-quite-ness and almost-there-ness, with me forever.

**

dev really wanted a grill so that’s what he got for father’s day. cliche much? i teased him for all the research he did on this purchase, only to buy the most expensive grill. and then rolled my eyes when he insisted that he needed to spend even more money to buy cast iron grill racks. for three days the giant grill sat in pieces all over our living room. when dev finally put it all together and we carried it outside, i was already annoyed with the cumbersome grill because i was flash-forwarding to the day we move, and how annoying it would be to move it. but guess what? i am now a grill devotee. since mamani is no longer here to cook meals for us, this grill has saved us from eating cereal straight out of the box. it’s safe to say we’ve grilled out every night the past month. actually, there are days when we grill out for BOTH lunch and dinner. there is something about food that’s been cooked outside over direct flame that makes it so much more delicious. even a simple veggie skewer is now THE BEST VEGGIE SKEWER I’VE EVER HAD.

**

watching my husband sing to our boy is my gateway drug to having 37 more children.

 

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3 comments on “all the things. and none of the things.”

  1. sally Says:

    Your paragraph about longing is so perfectly evocative and I relate to it strongly. Thank you for writing it. :)

  2. Pamela Says:

    gah, so perfectly said.

  3. Ashley Says:

    “watching my husband sing to our boy is my gateway drug to having 37 more children.”

    Reading your blog while drinking coffee on a cream sofa is so risky sometimes. :)

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