THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
13
Mar 12

crepuscular.

it’s somewhat difficult for me to admit that something i yearned for and wanted so badly has tests and difficulties that i hadn’t anticipated. i feel like i did my due diligence. i read stacks of books. we sat through 10 weeks of 3-hour a piece birthing classes. i have long observed other parents and taken mental notes of those i wanted to model. and yet, all that ‘education’ didn’t prepare me for this unnerving sense of ‘displaced me-ness’. i’m sorry i don’t have the vocabulary/coherency to describe this feeling more eloquently. i’m coming to terms with the fact that my only task right now is to give. and then give some more. and to do it all with a certain serenity lest i seem ungrateful for this incredible gift. and so i give because that is my full time job right now. my little phix is hungry. he needs his mama. he wants me to hold him while he sleeps. and though i would do anything for him, any.thing, a tiny part of me wonders whether i’m losing myself.

**

when i hold my son i have no sense of where my skin ends and his begins.

**

these past few days i have felt a surge of support from friends and even strangers, many who have already adventured through this beautiful, exhilarating, rocky passage of new-parenthood and managed to come through to the other side relatively unscathed. even though your calls remain un-returned for now and the messages and emails await reply, i’m so, so grateful.

**
exhausted and raw, i close my eyes and repeat, in my head, the council of friends: “this is all temporary. temporary. temporary”.

**
i inhale the scent of phoenix’s velvet soft forehead and now it’s the sheer temporariness of it all that reduces me to tears.

**

i have always been fond of the word crepuscular because it means ‘relating to twilight’ which is my favorite part of the day. LA twilight’s are rather magical – pink and purple hues envelope the sky and a certain stillness blankets this ever-pulsing city. these days dev returns home just before dusk and together we lay on our bed with our son snuggled between us and we admire his new facial expressions and prussian blue eyes. dev hugs us both close and whispers “i love my family”. i want to freeze those moments so that at other times i can revive them and with perfect clarity remember when all was right with the world.

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4 comments on “crepuscular.”

  1. mayan Says:

    so so temporary…thank you for writing!!! i think its what we all –parents–go through
    remember as much as you waited for pheonix– he waited for you–chose you to be born to
    or i think so anyway
    you all are lucky and beautiful
    :)

  2. jess Says:

    i like your honesty..i remember trying to explain to a friend how i was feeling and just getting a blank look..she didnt understand. and looking back now, i dont think as mothers we really lose ourselves, i think we discover who we really are, who we are meant to be. its a strange feeling and it takes time, but i will tell you what i do know, i am not the same person i was even a month before my daughter was born…no book can prepare you for real life..you do what you think is right..you will start to feel it without question soon enough

    remember to breathe

  3. tanja Says:

    i appreciate your honesty.
    i am not a mother, nor am i planning on being one for quite a while yet.
    but.
    i think it is so, so,so important to be honest about these things.
    i think you are being so brave by writing it for everyone to read,
    and
    i think you will help more people than you know.
    thank you

  4. Elli Says:

    I’m always anxious to see if you’ve written something new on your blog. When our son was a newborn, I felt the same “displaced me-ness” for a while, but could never have explained those feelings half as well as you just did. It was hard to get used to someone being totally dependent on you. But very soon (time flies with small babies) you’ll no longer have to pump milk and count the minutes you’re able to spend alone in the grocery store before you have to rush back to feed your baby..:) I got so used to it that I even felt a little sad when I realized the times of our symbiosis were over.

    And it is temporary yes, but just like Jess said, motherhood also changes you for good. I think the change has been just positive and I’m still me after the baby year, just a little different me.

    (I hope this text made any sense, our little man is sick so I didn’t get too much sleep last night..:)

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