// she's only happy in the sun.
Aug 11

filaments & fragments.

iced tea for me. an americano for you. i tried not to be envious of the perfect cup of coffee they made you. you noted that intelligensia reminded you of haifa and i understood. completely. i don’t remember taking many breaths during our conversation and too soon, it was over. i am grateful for securing time in the week for that morning. it reminded me that when surrounded with wholeness, there’s so much less to be depleted by.


i have fallen for you countless times. and still, every morning when you greet me with shining, happy eyes, i fall for you all over again.


once upon a time we would spend all day together at school and then all evening on the phone and somehow still not run out of things to say. we were quintessential best friends. complete with sleepovers and hilarity and annoying younger brothers and fierce crushes on johnny depp. i’m still impressed by how we started a jewelry line so our 11 year old entrepreneurship could have an outlet, and kept meticulous records of our sales. i can only hope my future children have best friends who make memories as lasting as ours.


if we were ever to meet again, the only thing i’d want you to know with certainty is that we absolutely made the right decision.


i beamed when i saw you and for some reason this took you by surprise. but i guess it’s been a while, and you’ve forgotten that my exuberance knows no bounds. we walked and talked about everything. mostly you actually. which was amusing considering you’re so irked by how LA-ers talk incessantly about themselves and their achievements. but i enjoy seeing you excited and happy. hopeful and anticipatory. i didn’t know how to bring up what i wanted to tell you the most. it’s sometimes easier to tell perfect strangers in gift stores full of overpriced eco-ware than it is to look at someone who you’ve known for over a decade and tell them why you’ve been distracted the entire time. but eventually it tumbled out. and i don’t think i’ll ever forget your face. a mixture of surprise and happiness and shock and i-don’t-know-what that left you, who is never without words, faltering to respond. i feel like someone had hit pause and there we were staring at each other while the world spun on and chubby toddlers grasped for ice cream and european tourists cooled off in the ocean. and after an eternity you hugged me and i knew it was all going to be ok. and i don’t tell you this enough, but you’ve been one of very few constants in a life full of movement and flux, and for that i’m immensely grateful.


a foundation of pretense. that’s how i’d sum up our acquaintance. and for that reason (there’s no better reason) i’m no longer going to put effort in, or expect anything in return.


you have the ability to connect dots like no other and in you i’ve found a true sister. there’s no need to explain the subtleties because we speak the same language and without words we still get it. a day where we haven’t seen each other seems like a day wasted. thank you for being one of the brightest lights in this city of angels.


i have asked you for an explanation using every avenue available, yet the radio silence on your end is deafening. perhaps one day you’ll explain your actions but perhaps by then, it won’t matter to me anymore.


when it comes to generosity of spirit, kindness, patience and love, you set the bar high. i consider myself so lucky to have watched your example over my lifetime and i hope some of your strengths show up in me. thank you for recognizing my light from the first day and for instilling in me a deep sense of what matters, and always reminding me to let go of that which is insignificant and transitory.

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3 comments on “filaments & fragments.”

  1. Ashley Says:


  2. mar Says:

    This one makes me both infinitely happy and infinitely sad. booses and hugs. Thank you for the glimmer of your joy and dissapointment.

  3. Nina Says:

    Oh god, this post makes me paranoid. Although I’m sure I don’t feature in ANY of them, especially (hopefully) not the bad ones. lol! I need to get my head fixed. haha :) xxxx Miss you! x

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