when dev and i first found out that i was pregnant we decided that while i was in the somewhat fragile early stages, we’d keep the news pretty quiet. which was incredibly hard for both of us to do. one day dev suggested i start writing letters to ‘nori’ (that’s his codename for the baby) so that i could at least have some kind of outlet for my hard-to-contain-excitement. so over the course of the past few months i wrote a few of these letters. this one was written on july 5, just two days after we found out:
this will be sitting in the drafts section of my blog for a while. because no matter how excited we are, we’ve decided to hold off from screaming the news about you from the rooftops. so, the only people that know about your existence right now are me, your dad, and your uncle collin – who has been sworn to secrecy.
and what a delicious secret you are to keep.
when we returned from our southeast-asia adventure we were all exhausted. it seemed we were fighting a battle with jetlag and we were definitely the weaker opponent. we struggled to stay awake throughout the day but then at midnight we were all wide-eyed and ready to party. sleep was disjointed and i suddenly had so much compassion for insomniacs and other people awake, not by choice, at the loneliest hours of the night. there’s nothing endearing about 4am. (perhaps it was just an inkling of what was to come). i also noticed that besides the exhaustion i was feeling a bit sea-sick. it’s not like me to have a sensitive stomach or a lack of appetite. but i had both. of course i considered for a fleeting moment that i might be pregnant, but i was more convinced that i had dengue fever, or had picked up some some stomach bug contracted from recklessly brushing my teeth with local water instead of bottled water in cambodia. which reminds me, do yourself a favor and don’t ever look up parasitic worms on YouTube.
(side note: will they even have YouTube by the time you’re old enough to read these posts? will these posts even exist? what will the internet have become? i have visions of holograms and jet packs and ohmygoodness i’m realizing we have no clue what the future holds. and now i’m sufficiently freaked out).
after a few days of feeling off-center, your dad bought home a pregnancy test. we were actually on our way to the 4th of july fireworks show at the hollywood bowl with friends so collin was in the kitchen packing a picnic and your dad had gone to the store to get some supplies. in the middle of all the frenzy of getting ready, i skim read the instructions and took the test.
it was positive.
blink. blink. i must stared at that little panel for a minute just to make sure. but there you were, represented as two tiny purple lines.
and in that split second the entire fabric of my world shifted monumentally. because you exist.
i don’t really know how to describe how i felt the next few moments but it was an overwhelming jumble of sheer joy, apprehension, love, wonderment, awe and humility. and then total disbelief.
so much disbelief that i decided i had to tear open pregnancy test number 2. maybe the first was a fraud. maybe i had misread it. maybe i was still asleep and this was all some dream induced by OD’ing on too many mangoes while in asia.
test two presented positive results in seconds. you were definitely in existence.
there are certain moments in life where the feeling you encounter isn’t something you could have ever quite anticipated. the knowledge of your existence was one of those moments for me.
i felt weak at the knees and promptly collapsed onto the bathroom floor. tears of happiness tumbled down my cheeks as i started to absorb the fact that our lives would never.be.the.same.again.
i literally paced our apartment waiting for your dad to get home. i stared at myself in the mirror as if searching to see some physical sign that my entire future had just shifted in a profound way. but there was just a wide-eyed incredulous looking me, staring back. i finally found some peace lying on the bed staring at the ceiling and saying prayers.
finally your dad arrived and even though our ride was waiting outside, and the picnic was packed and all signs pointed to go, i had to share the news of you first. i led your dad into the bedroom and we both stood side by side looking at the two tests. i will never forget the look in your dad’s eyes as he turned to me with a huge smile and engulfed me in a hug. and for seconds, perhaps minutes, we just stood there. holding each other. breathless and so full of happiness as we absorbed the fact that we.are.now.parents.
and i know this sounds strange but as i look out at the world i feel like i’m looking at it through a double lens – mine and yours. i believe souls are created at conception, and the fact that i carry your soul is a responsibility that i’m completely and utterly awestruck by.
we love you so much already little one.