THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
10
Feb 11

on being “liked”. not to be confused with the “like” button on facebook.

it’s not often that i’m super vulnerable in this blogosphere anymore, i have other outlets for deliberating on the things that are weighing on my mind. and one of those outlets has scruffy hair and gives me giant spontaneous hugs that make everything a whole lot better. so more often than not, my blog has become a place for storing pretty things and pictures of our adventures along the way. but sometimes, i’ll feel like sharing something that’s resting heavy on my heart terrain and today is one of those times. consider yourselves warned. :)

sidenote 1: there’s always mallory’s awesome blog if you would rather spend your time looking at lovely things.

sidenote 2: i want to be mallory’s friend in real life.

so, i think it’s fair to say that for the most part, we all want to be liked. i know that some people think being elusive, apathetic and dismissive is the way to go, but at the end of the day, when you’re brushing your teeth and debating about whether you have the energy to floss, the person staring back at you hopes the people they surround themselves with, and the newcomers they meet along the way think they’re decent. right?

i’ve also always been a champion of authentic friendships. any sort of rift, competition, or contention gets under my skin and makes me uneasy. which is why i’m a bit jolted (?) when i learn that someone feels like they’re in competition with me, or has some grudge or grievance against me. this would be less of an issue if those assertions were open and forthright. but the insidious ‘words in passing’ where you tell a close friend of mine your bizarre list of grievances with me? err, sorry, this falls in the category of: not ok.

and what’s sort of bemusing, if it wasn’t so insanely wacko, is the kinds of things i’m being faulted for. here’s a little taste: i’m too happy, far too lucky, i get too many opportunities too easily. i get to do what i love. i found love too effortlessly. moving to LA was too convenient for me. i don’t seem to get my share of the harsh realities of life.

and it’s at this point, i want to exclaim a hearty: WTF?!

it’s fascinating to some degree that people who i’ve never even had coffee with, would make assumptions like this. and based off what exactly? my twitter feed? my facebook status? the fact that i smile in photos? or stop.the.presses, seem happy and grateful with my lot?

yesterday, a close friend reminded me that i can’t control other people’s reactions. and that many times, those reactions have nothing to do with me. she also expressed that as i come into my own, others who feel lost/disenchanted with their path, may resent me. and here’s the kicker…supposedly, i need to learn to be ok with this. #eek #lifelesson

the way i see it, we all have the choice to move forward in life and shine brightly. and along the way we might encounter people who are uncomfortable with that especially if you show up from a place of authenticity and happiness. i guess what i’m learning is that i don’t need to remedy their discomfort or shine any less brightly. there’s space for us all on this pretty planet, so my wish (since i OBVIOUSLY have a full time genie that grants all my wishes) is that we all be a bit kinder and gentler with each other, and to those fringe-friends (i like to call ‘em) who we don’t really know. because frankly the road for each of us windy and uphill at times and we’re all figuring it out as best we can.

/////

i think these are male/female bathroom doors. and i think they are aweseome. spied here.

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10 comments on “on being “liked”. not to be confused with the “like” button on facebook.”

  1. pascale Says:

    Hey Gol, great post. I had a recent episode just like this and it hurt like hell. Not because my pride was hurt, but because it made me so angry at myself that i’d made someone feel that way and was completely ignorant of it because they chose to keep it a secret from me and just tell other people about it. What’s worse, it came from a relative, not even a fringe-friend.
    But, the lesson i was taught was that if we can take those criticisms as a way to progress and grow, then we’re doing alright.
    I was lucky enough to hear about my faults from a kind relative who said that even though it hurt them to pass on the things that had bugged that other person, they hoped that because they were telling me from a place of love, not frustration, that i would take it on the chin and try to correct myself. I’ve since discovered that what i thought was nice, kind, generous and okay, was in actual fact the total opposite to that person so, my mission is to repair that damage. Not easy. Especially given the fact that they don’t know that i know how they feel. urgh. i wish people would just be more direct.

    Anyway, just wanted to know i feel your pain and that more people love you than don’t so, poo-poo to the rest of them.

    x

  2. Nadia Says:

    Hi Golriz,

    The way I see it is that the grievances that were expressed about you are so clearly about this person’s own feelings of insecurity, angst, dissatisfaction and that have been unfortunately projected on to you. It is always amazing to me how out of touch people can be with their own feelings that they often find scapegoats or people to project their fears on as a way of staying in denial.

    It is extremely hurtful when people make a judgment about the kinds of tests or hardships or suffering you have or havent endured. Its really sad because how can we ever know what path people have walked or the horrors or tests they have had? and yet people do it all the time. If I were you I would not let it waste another ounce of your energy. There is some quote out there that if you walked for a moment in your enemies shoes you would instantly forgive them. I try to think of it in times like these because we don’t understand what people are going through so why take on all their grievances? especially if in reality they have nothing to do with our behavior? Kill ‘em with kindness and forgive ‘em for your own sake.

  3. Kat Says:

    one of my dearest friends was once criticized because she smiled all the time. whatevs. love u!

  4. Claire Says:

    man, people can be such haters. sounds like this person is straight up judging you. although we’ve never met i think you are lovely, and i grew up around devon and think he is lovely, too… so this person is clearly just envious and/or jealous of the loveliness you two emulate. :)
    -Claire

  5. Anonymous Says:

    Dear Golriz,

    I don’t want to sound like a creeper or anything… but we met once in real life, and then I found your blog, which soon became a frequently visited page of mine – subsequently leading me to feel like we’ve met many times and are actually good friends. (I promise I’m not a stalker, I just appreciate your creativity and delightful sincerity as you share your life through your posts). It’s interesting to read this post this morning, since I’ve recently been going through something similar. I know how uneasing it can be, especially if you are not used to this kind of situation – I’m a people pleaser by nature, and have never had a problem with getting along with people… until this situation. It’s still hurtful, but I’ve come to the conclusion that:

    1. “mean girls” is not just a high school movie…
    2. most of it has little to do with me and more to do with whatever is going on with them
    3. the reasons people “hate” you are the same reasons others absolutely love you
    4. i can’t control if someone decides not to like me, but i sure won’t give them a reason not to

    and sometimes i think that i’m thankful to know how this feel, so that hopefully i will never intentionally or non-intentionally make someone else feel like this #empathyhasaprice

    anyway, i just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in this and to leave you with the wise words of Dr. Suess…

    “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

    have a wonderful day

  6. Paige Says:

    I would just like to say that even though I’ve never met you all the “issues” that this evil person has against you are all the reasons that I love reading your blog. So as I read ever word you write about happy things, pretty things and just plain wonderful things- I’m thankful that there are happy, optimistic people in the world who know a good thing when they see it and who love to share it with others.

    sidenote: I want to be your friend in real life (in a non-creepy sort of way)

  7. Ashley Says:

    Ha. Everyone above beat me to it, especially Ms. Paige right above me who pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. I also wish we were friends in real life :)

    I don’t think the person who said these things about you is awful, I just think they’re lost. They haven’t found their own happy nook in life, and I know from experience it can sometimes be hard to see people so happy, with everything appearing to fall into place when you feel like you’re struggling.
    Don’t let this person get you down. I’m sure their current thoughts towards you are not coming from a genuine place. They’ll figure it out.

    Your good vibes rub off on everyone who reads your blog and I’m pretty sure anyone who comes into any sort of contact with you, so don’t you worry!

    From one positive person to another: Thank You.

  8. golriz Says:

    thank you for all your lovely comments. i know this is a lesson in detachment, but getting your comments here and through email meant the world to me.

    each and every one of you is beyond awesome.

    golriz

  9. deirdre Says:

    I just wrote about a similar thing on my blog, the way it is so upsetting when someone very aggressively misinterprets something you have done (without any hostility or anger). Like how could you have possibly assumed I meant blablabla? Trying to explain to such a person (and most often he or she is someone you barely know, if at all) only makes it worse, 100 times worse if you are communicating through email. I do have a remedy for this experience, so read here for more info! http://awalkingcarnival.blogspot.com/2011/02/mulling-and-carmina-burana.html

  10. mona Says:

    seriously… perspective is all that is needed and sometimes (most times) people lack this and take it out on others. as one who has been on both ends of this – a big whatever to the haters – life is far too short to be anything but happy and be around anyone who does anything less than adding to it.

    live your life lady – it’s a beautiful one!

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