i have always had a bit of uneasiness when it comes to celebrating my birthday. interestingly, it’s not the getting old part that trips me up – i think it’s all the attention that makes me a bit nervous. it wasn’t really part of my family’s tradition to make a big deal out of birthdays (which is why one time i faked it just to get presents), and so i guess it always feels a bit ‘much’. i think it also has to do with expectations. trying not to have them. trying to live up to them. i felt the same way on mother’s day this year. i mean, i get it. it’s lovely to be celebrated as a mama. and i’m ALL for celebrating other mothers. i would by lying if i said i don’t love waking up to treats and thoughtful gestures…but honestly, i also met that day with a bit of anxiety. a feeling that i don’t want me/my role amplified. a sense that marking the day means i have to live up to something that i’m still messily figuring out how to do.
and don’t even get me started on valentines day ;)
in lieu of making big birthday plans this year i told dev i wanted to keep it simple. all i wanted was to go and get massages with my mama, and have family nature-time. and that’s what we did. and it was perfect. low key and serene. in the evening sweet dev threw together a little soirée in our backyard with a handful of close friends. and it all felt easy. fluid and manageable. and as the messages came in throughout the day via text and facebook, email and calls, i felt loved, and overall – grateful.
grateful for this amazing year i’ve had. grateful for my mother & father. grateful for my health. grateful for my incredible friends. grateful that day-by-day, i am figuring out how to metaphorically juggle a job i love while literally juggling a little boy i adore more than i ever knew was possible.