THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
08
Aug 12

on claiming time.

the lumineers have been the soundtrack to the past few weeks. this song in particular is on repeat.

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this vibrant hot pink tree is one of the best parts of my daily walk to the office.

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it’s steamy in LA these days. which results in clammy skin. and you know where clammy skin is on my list of dislikes? it’s close to the top, along with parking tickets and fickle internet. so phix may not have my eyes/ears/nose/chin/forehead, but he’s definitely my child in that we seem to share a distinct irritation with being inside on muggy days. it’s days like this that i wish we lived closer to the ocean.

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lately, i find myself trying to retrieve memories of phoenix as a newborn. i am desperately trying to remember how it felt to hold his little body in my hands and his sweet vulnerability. but i am having trouble really grasping it. and i feel sad because no matter how much i try to imprint our journey together on the sinews of my heart, i still forget so many of the details. and i now realize that the reason people say that being a parent is hard is because it’s an exercise in grieving what was, over and over and over again, while also anticipating what is yet to come. and this is partly where the bone marrow deep exhaustion comes from. not the getting up every 2 hours to nurse. or hormones. or the 5am starts. but this race to remember. this fight to be present and aware. and in my quiet, honest hours i realize that i spend more time looking at various screens than i do my son’s ever-changing face, and this causes an ache that lodges heavy in my heart, because the screens will always be there, but his giant half-a-tooth smiles will be fleeting.

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we start pre-production on our pilot episode of a full length SoulPancake show on monday. this is exhilarating, exciting and anxiety inducing. i’m so awed by this opportunity. but i also feel like taking a long nap. or going on a trip without phones and laptops to a redwood forest where i can once again smell the earth and feel connected to the ground.

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when phix naps i do all the things that need doing. i wipe surfaces and do dishes and fold laundry and tidy rooms. and then he’s awake again and wants to put every.thing. in his mouth. the tv remote, my phone, the dirty car keys. and i try to buy a few minutes by giving him a frozen apple slice to chew/suck on. and in those minutes when my hands are free, i google ’5 month old baby eating apples’ because i’m not sure i should be giving him solids so soon. rinse and repeat.

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3 comments on “on claiming time.”

  1. Mirielle Says:

    :)

  2. brooklyn Says:

    I’m not a parent, but I totally loved this post. thanks for keeping it real.

  3. anna Says:

    …and this is why your blog is, in my opinion, the queen blog: you take everything i ever thought as a mother of wee ones and make it resonate on paper…er, computer screen. it’s so real. i wish that i could pull my thoughts and feelings out of myself the way that you do and you inspire me to work on this area that i do not excel at. i think it takes a person who is very in-tune with oneself. i am trying to find my frequency.

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