THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
26
Aug 11

over.whelmed.

i went on a walk. and tried to weigh up the pros and cons of sitting in a stranger’s garden. the pros were sitting in a garden. the cons were spiders and getting in trouble for trespassing. i kept walking.

**

i hate letting people down. i hate not showing up when expected. i hate being late. and the people-pleaser in me can’t just leave things unreconciled and lingering. everything needs to be neat and orderly. squared away and clear. i am frustrated by ambiguity. by not knowing. by having to make choices when neither option seems all that desirable.

**

some days i wake up and i’m more tired than i was when i went to bed. but i’m also agitated and restless. it’s on those days i’d give anything to wake up on a boulder in the sun next to an ice cold river. my need for new zealand river time is becoming unbearable. yesterday i put ice packs on my feet and closed my eyes and pretended. that’s pretty desperate.

**

i know this post sounds whiny. i realize it doesn’t conform with the rest. it’s interesting that i feel like i have certain expectations to uphold, even in this space. expectations are tiring. but the point of this space isn’t actually to feed those expectations. it’s to relate glimpses of what i’m feeling/experiencing. and yes, more often than not, my life is a charmed journey packed with sweetness and excitement (which annoys some, and comforts others). but it’s also important to remember that it’s still a journey. it has it’s crevices and pitfalls, dead ends and disappointments.

**

in other news, i can’t WAIT to meet our future children. i hope they have their father’s ability to secure and offer joy in every.single.moment.

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4 comments on “over.whelmed.”

  1. Mary Says:

    I think that one of the reasons that I love your blog so much is your particular ability to highlight the specific moments that make a life, good or bad. Flannery O’Connor once said that “The specific illuminates the universal”. I think that the reason that so many people follow this blog is that they can see themselves in your situations. In today’s post, I found a little bit of happiness because someone else knows what it’s like to wake up tired, and to have to run a hose over their feet when they can’t escape to a river. Don’t feel pressured to be a beacon of sunshine and rainbows. You’re human, and I think your readers appreciate that, I sure do. :)

  2. Angel Says:

    I L O V E D this post. Mostly because I think it’s nice to know that even people that seem to have “perfect” lives are in fact still human and experience doubts and anxiety like the rest.

  3. Lea Ciceraro Says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your honesty. There is a great proverb on one of my mugs that helps get me through days like this, that maybe you’ll also find some comfort in: “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it turned into a butterfly.” Lots of love.

  4. sally Says:

    I’m the same way about pleasing people…and longing for a distant home. I’m trying to find that balance between helping others and living for myself too, it’s taking some time. I hope you feel less stressed soon!

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