i went on a walk. and tried to weigh up the pros and cons of sitting in a stranger’s garden. the pros were sitting in a garden. the cons were spiders and getting in trouble for trespassing. i kept walking.
i hate letting people down. i hate not showing up when expected. i hate being late. and the people-pleaser in me can’t just leave things unreconciled and lingering. everything needs to be neat and orderly. squared away and clear. i am frustrated by ambiguity. by not knowing. by having to make choices when neither option seems all that desirable.
some days i wake up and i’m more tired than i was when i went to bed. but i’m also agitated and restless. it’s on those days i’d give anything to wake up on a boulder in the sun next to an ice cold river. my need for new zealand river time is becoming unbearable. yesterday i put ice packs on my feet and closed my eyes and pretended. that’s pretty desperate.
i know this post sounds whiny. i realize it doesn’t conform with the rest. it’s interesting that i feel like i have certain expectations to uphold, even in this space. expectations are tiring. but the point of this space isn’t actually to feed those expectations. it’s to relate glimpses of what i’m feeling/experiencing. and yes, more often than not, my life is a charmed journey packed with sweetness and excitement (which annoys some, and comforts others). but it’s also important to remember that it’s still a journey. it has it’s crevices and pitfalls, dead ends and disappointments.
in other news, i can’t WAIT to meet our future children. i hope they have their father’s ability to secure and offer joy in every.single.moment.