a few weeks ago i was talked into a one-off gig as a face-painter. do i have any professional background in this industry? err no. do i like children and feel relatively competent with a paintbrush and my knowledge of spongebob square pants? yes. so it didn’t take that much convincing, and truth be told, i was excited about it. i have distinct memories of getting my face painted as a kid, and that moment when you look at a mirror and see a glittering butterfly gazing back at you was fun, albeit a bit creepy.
the event was a coca-cola corporate sunday funday extravaganza located at the coca-cola warehouses. it was a scorching day and under the shade of a white tent i sat with 3 other face-painters and we got to work. as you can see in the photo below, i was taking my job very seriously. note my informative name badge.
the highlights of my day were the adorable children who beamed when i showed them the mirror. for the most part, no matter how paltry my paintings, they lit up and giggled in glee.
one lowpoint was the little boy who asked me to paint him as a: half real man / half Terminator. i did my best. i left half of his face alone and then did my best menacing robot on the other half. he opened his eyes at the end, looked in the mirror and scowled. then turned back and asked impetuously where his laser eye was. um. what? sorry, i don’t have the capabilities to turn you into a killing machine. i’m just a mere face painter. i’m doing my best with red, blue and yellow kid. give me a break.
in conclusion, i present you with:
my list of 10 rules for face painting
1. if you are over 16 years old, you don’t need your face painted. if you want art on your body go get a tattoo. and asking me to paint a bottle of jack daniels on your bicep isn’t cute.
2. pick ONE theme. none of this half-vampire / half-ninja crap.
3. it’s not ok to ask me to paint your bewildered baby’s arm. especially not a heart and arrow with ‘mom’ written inside.
4. if you say you want to be a witch, i’m going to assume you mean a regular mean green witch. not glinda the good witch of the east, so if you don’t want to be green and covered in hairy looking moles then be SPECIFIC.
5. i cannot paint any kind of sports team logo. and no, i won’t look it up on my iPhone. come up with something else.
6. according to the little girl who chastised me for not representing all 50 stars, it appears i don’t know how to paint the american flag.
7. if one of your eyes is weeping fluid and screaming PINK EYE ALERT at me, i will not use that eye to paint the eye-patch for your ‘pirate’ look. you need to see a doctor.
8. to all the wanna-be cool mom’s, you know what’s not cool? asking me to paint a tribal print on your arm. i’m here for the kids. move along.
9. screaming children need not apply.
10. just because i can paint faces does not mean i can make you balloon animals or do magic tricks. i am not that much of a triple threat obviously.