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// she's only happy in the sun.
Sep 11

sad sap.

so this week i’ve burst into tears for reasons both big and small and then everything in between. big being things like having to move out of our pretty little first abode by tomorrow (!) and having to pack boxes by myself because dev is frantically working to meet deadlines for our SoulPancake segments. little being things like seeing a flyer for a missing dog and then feeling helpless and forlorn for the rest of the day. the missing dogs of the world definitely got about 30% of my tears this week.

and yes, i know i’m hormonal. and that no one likes moving. and losing a pet is tragic but then i also made some poor decisions that we’re now having to reconcile. and by reconcile i mean, dev works out solutions while i sob into my pillow and then feel bad for exposing my unborn baby to my dramatics.

#1 bad decision of the week: signing a lease for a house i don’t really want to live in.

because the whole month of september was eaten up by pre-production and shooting seven soulpancake episodes, we haven’t had time to look for our next place. so the plan was that we put all our stuff in storage, and move into my uncle’s empty guest house in los feliz until we find a place we want to rent. sensible right?

but suddenly last weekend i determined that there was no way my sanity could handle moving into my uncles house, and then moving AGAIN into a new place. so i decided we had to find a place that weekend. dev and i went to no a bunch of open homes and finally found a place that checked a lot of things off our list: outdoor space, parking, 2+ bedrooms, etc. there were things that we weren’t thrilled about, but i was feeling desperate and just wanted the security of a roof over our heads, so i convinced dev that we should sign the lease. and so we did. and then as soon as the lease was solidified i realized i wasn’t excited at all. in fact, i was having serious regrets. there were all these glaring reasons why this place wasn’t suitable for us that i’d somehow overlooked in my race to find a home. the next morning i woke up with my stomach in knots and to add insult to injury, i received an email about a rental that had just been put on the market that was literally up the street. and in an effort to convince myself that we made the right decision and we’d picked the right place, i went to check out the newly listed apartment, and bad news: it was lovely. sun streaming through the windows, incredible views, parking, lots of outdoor space and located IN this neighborhood that i’ve grown terribly fond of.

so then we had to deal with the fact that we’d signed a lease, and handed over two checks for the 1st month rent and the security deposit which the landlord had already deposited. and now i was telling dev that we had made a bad decision that i wanted to somehow undo.

i collapsed into a ball of stress and dev called the landlord who wasn’t pleased at all and may or may not give our money back.

#2 bad decision of the week: not hiring people to help us move

the move hasn’t even happened yet, but i’m regretting the packing process. putting all your belongings into boxes, sorting it out and figuring out if you even still want/need it is an awful task that i’ve done too many times. every time i pack i wonder 1) how did we accrue so much in such a short time? 2) why do we need any of this? 3) can i just give everything away and start from scratch and then i make a firm resolve that NEXT TIME i will hire someone to do this. someone who is detached from my things and can just pack it up and not spend 7 minutes debating whether a half used roll of wrapping paper should be kept, thrown out, or given to goodwill.

#3 bad decision of the week: trying to wear my pre-pregnancy clothes

no matter how many times i go through this sad dance recently i can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that my expanding belly NO LONGER FITS in about 95% of my wardrobe. the only things i have that still work are a pair of super high-waisted denim shorts, a variety of oversized shirts, and one pair of maternity leggings that ash got me because she could see that a crisis needed to be averted. the time has come to walk the maternity aisles and get new clothes. because quite honestly walking around pant-less in oversized t-shirts isn’t suitable attire when guests come over.

#4 bad decision of the week: setting my hopes on the new place

we applied a few days ago, and haven’t heard anything. and chances are since it’s a great place with loads of features and located in this area that there’s a lot of competition to rent it, so we might not get it. which makes me sad as i’ve already planned out in my head where everything will go, and how i will hold ‘nori’ under the shade of the persimmon tree in the backyard.

and finally, if you want to know how to make my need for order and cleanliness go into meltdown mode, just present me with our current living room situation:


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10 comments on “sad sap.”

  1. Nassim Says:


  2. Tara Says:

    on the up side, loco landlord days are over, you get to buy a whole new set of clothes, and once you find the new place, you can get creative decorating the nursery :)

    everything will fall into place. :)

  3. Shereen Says:

    whoa, i am TOTALLY feeling you. we bought a house and moved while i was pregnant, and while i didn’t have quite as many challenges as you, definitely the frustration with searching, desperation to get something, regretted decisions, and horrible process of moving. we hired someone to help with moving the furniture, but still had to pack everything. not that this advice helps you now, but i would recommend never moving while pregnant. now, about all you can do is…remember that you should expose your children to hardship. the dramatics will only make him/her stronger!

  4. Ashley Says:

    I am sorry everything is so stressful for you right now. I feel for you; I’m pretty overwhelmed myself with all the things I need to do, deadlines, and how nothing seems to be working out and I would just really like something, any one thing, to fall into place so that at least things will look up a little. Ha
    I keep trying to remind myself that it’s a cycle. Sometimes things are tough, and at other times everything falls into place. But every time, things work out. You just need to pull through.
    I really hope things work out with your apartment. But even if they don’t, it might have some hidden treasures. Good luck :)

  5. Janine Says:

    Everything will be ok.

  6. Mullica Says:

    I remember when my aunt kicked my mom, dad, me, and my brother out of her house and my mom rushed to find a new place which was awful with neighbors who never threw out their trash and made lots of noise. We made it through for two years before finding a new place. That’s a small bump in the road when I look back on it now. I never understood my mom’s decision then but you do what you can in panic. Just stay strong….I don’t know why I told you all that but I couldn’t help it.

  7. Mallory Says:

    1. finding an awesome place to live in a short period of time when your pockets aren’t completely overflowing with, you know, gold coins & jewels and the such is such a stress.

    2. i love moving and boxing up things so if zapping myself across the country were a plausible option i would’ve packed things for you for fun.

    3. most importantly – CONGRATULATIONS! i am so behind on blog reading. i “saw” your post with the video, but i have a habit of bookmarking every post i find with a video in it to watch at a later date. i didn’t even notice that your video was only a few seconds long: i automatically assumed it was one of the soulpancake videos you’ve been working on and thought “i’ll watch this later”. cut to me going through videos while boiling pasta earlier this evening…. i got so excited! and i don’t even really know you, hahaha. but still! i’m just going to assume you’re as wondrous in real life as you come off here on your blog, and say that your future child is going to be incredibly lucky in the mother department. hurrah, golriz! hurrah.

  8. q Says:


    S A D
    S A

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  9. jess Says:

    i read this post earlier and couldnt stop thinking about it…when i was pregnant with my daughter i too was a sad sap..it happens to the best of us. we had a short time to find a new place to live,and during my pregnancy we went through A LOT of dramatics, (loss of jobs, trying to finish culinary school, family drama, blah, blah) we finally found a lovely apartment and moved in just two weeks before i gave birth. i believe all the added stress lead to what is now a VERY stressed out 3 year old. she worries about everything and i feel like i am to blame for all the unnecessary stressing/worrying i did during my pregnancy. i know i couldnt help it at times, but i never really just sat back and enjoyed the ride. so do yourself a favor and just enjoy your pregnancy, so things dont always go as planned, sure you will cry over spilled milk 20times a day, but take time to just relax, go with it, everything will work it self out. plus you have an awesome hubby by your side to take care of things while you bake that little bun! <3

  10. Nina Says:

    Sending you love!
    I miss you! Sorry that I can’t be there to bring over a cup of tea (since your cups are probably packed away) xxx

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