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// she's only happy in the sun.
Oct 09

farewell rarotonga

list o’ seven why i’m in heaven

1. being greeted by the happiest ukelele player i’ve ever seen, who belted out his songs with complete disregard for the important messages being read over the airport loudspeakers
2. riding around the island on a red scooter with the number plate RAD 975. dev and i give nods to our fellow bikers, like we are all part of some local bike gang – a.k.a: another dream come true.
3. being simultaneously fascinated and terrified of the large fish that circled around us in the lagoon. thinking ‘don’t eat me’. and then thinking, it would be fair for them to do so since we’ve been devouring freshly caught yellow fin tuna since we got here.
4. attempting to crack open a coconut and getting it’s juice all over the sand, ourselves, and the innocent bystanders.
5. late afternoon guitar playing, dev patiently teaching me harmonies, both of us singing all the wrong words.
6. holding a musical devotional at the baha’i center and learning songs in cook islands maori. the love in the room was palpable.
7. not ever caring what time it is.

list o’ things to bring on my next pacific island adventure

1. sunscreen
2. insect repellent
3. towel
4. snacks
5. um. COMMON SENSE :)


with a twinkle in his eyes he hugs me tight and declares that i have a tendency to be feisty. likens me to the family german shepherd – sasha. and as i pretend to be insulted, i know he’s right. like her, i’m vulnerable, i’ve been hurt, scars have remained that refuse to evaporate. yes, i’m a sucker for attention. devotion. love. loyalty. and feisty she is. open the front door and she bolts. complete disregard for the electric fence, she’ll deal with the painful zap if it means freedom. that was me once upon a time. fiercely craving my independence, not wanting to compromise, feeling like the consequences were inconsequential. doing what i wanted to do felt both liberating and painful. i knew it was wrong. unfair. unwarranted. but my pride would stop me from turning around, until i had to. and it’s ironic really, that the person who always wanted to leave, finally was resolutely left behind. i’m reminded of a time last winter, when beaten down, cold and shivering from a night of rain, sasha returned, head down, tail between her legs. she slept all day. she knew she had caused alarm so now she was staying under the radar. we were grateful she was safe, but furious with the panic she’d left in her wake. and that cycle is exhausting. and after enough times, you are just tired of chasing.
i recognize i’m no longer ‘that’ person, but i’m still me. and it’s this ‘me’ that we all carry around. no matter who you are with. or where you are. or what you’re doing. it’s a constant companion. here, on this speck of land in the middle of the pacific, i’m realizing that i’ve quelled the runner in me. i no longer feel this clamor in my heart to bolt or take flight. i’m happy to accompany, to walk hand-in-hand, to enjoy in unison. it no longer feels suffocating or limiting. it feels safe and calm. and though that spark is there – flash lightning on a sunny day – it’s never a good enough reason to hurt a heart.

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2 comments on “farewell rarotonga”

  1. Ghetto Blaster Says:

    3:52 heart swell moment.

  2. Cathi Says:

    Your soul-snapshot made me cry. I’m reading your blog at work, and now I have to explain to my coworker why I’m crying.

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