THE COZYHUNTER
// she's only happy in the sun.
13
Jun 08

Golriz Returns doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Batman Returns

One of my favorite people who also happens to be one of my favorite writers (how convenient) has been posting these incredible lists on his blog. I once linked to the one he wrote for his ‘yet unborn children’ and then spent a while wishing that I could be one of his yet unborn children. That might sound weird. But if you read the list, you would understand.

So basically, you can blame Quddus for the fact that I no longer write on my blog because the scenario goes something like this:

I think about how I should update my blog.

I check Q’s blog and lo and behold he’s written something profound and amazing.

I smile and think to myself, wow. he is such a show off.

And then I decide there is no point in posting anything. (reminiscent of when I decided I’d be a photojournalist and Ryan Lash’s flickr feed squashed all my confidence in one fell swoop).

It can be inspiring to be exposed to other people’s talents but it can also be a bit defeating.

So to combat the profound depth and beauty of Quddus’s most recent list I’m posting some of my own super trivial ones. This way there is balance in the world.

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List of things people actually say (out loud) in the South

In response to “how are you?”
“I’m finer than a frog’s hair”

Another response to “how are you?”
“Fair to middlin’”

(Uhm what? I have no idea what you just said. Not sure if it’s because I don’t know what middlin’ is or because you have no teeth. But I’ll smile and nod)

A response to “Are you going to be there tonight?”
“God willin’ an’ the creek don’t rise”

A response to “where is it?”
“Within’ spittin’ distance”

A response to “I’m sorry that happened to you”
“well it’s better than a sharp stick in the eye”

Across the table on a date:
“(wolf whistling sounds) I could to sop you up with a biscuit”

(Your use of the word ‘sop’ is a total deal breaker.)

The voice message recording for the sales manager at a local Christian radio station who owes invoices for settlement:
“Just remember, I’m too blessed to be stressed”

(Excuse me? You’re too blessed to be stressed? I need you to PICK UP YOUR PHONE AND ANSWER MY CALLS because I, on the other hand, am obviously NOT too blessed to be stressed.)

In response to my being surprised at a colleagues age saying “he doesn’t look that old”:
“yeah, that’s because black don’t crack”

(what?! I can see how that is a compliment but it also seems really wrong)

Also, if you refer to your motorbike as a ‘crotch rocket’ chances are we can’t be friends.

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List of places I would be genuinely happy to be teleported to tomorrow:

Frolicking with Roya Azadi at the craft fair in Brooklyn
Riding on the back of a certain Vespa with a certain lovely boy, through the streets of Hollywood.
Sunbathing on a Nelson beach with Jasmine Sutton and catching up on 7 years of life
Snuggling in Mona Jafari’s bed
Eating cheese and crackers washed down with Red Bull on Camel Beach with J-JackRabbit
London to dispense hugs and tell TRA everything will really be okay. I promise.
Lake Tekapo with my family eating a picnic mum packed that looks strange but tastes amazing
Gallivanting around Wellington and Auckland catching up with some of the dearest friends I have
Swimming in the ocean. With anyone. When it comes to the ocean I guess I’m not picky.
Inhaling a real latte and bad-for-me-dessert on lygon street with Elms
Sitting on Luke and Af’s always-falling-apart-but-still-strangely-comfortable-couch
Chicago. Because I keep promising and never delivering. Like some crappy infomercial product. Like the handy stitch
A no expense spared shopping spree with Anusce in Italy.
At Ashley Ludwin’s graduation basking in california sun with my favorites.
Lens shopping with Ryan Lash. We never did this and I’m folorn. FOLORN I tell you.
Legitimately basking in the Amatra spa in Delhi with Bita Haidarian. As opposed to time we pretended we worked for MTV.

I’ve realized there are countless combinations of places and people I love. Now I just need a teleportation device. Perhaps Q can get utilize his nanotechnology degree and start working on one of those instead of usurping me with his blog prowess.

What I will be doing instead, which is pretty fantastic in it’s own right, is going to the Artisan Festival at the park with the lovely Rachael Dere who is visiting, then driving to Bonnaroo for a date with Ben Folds, Iron and Wine, Sigor Rus, Lupe Fiasco and of course Pearl Jam – whose music definitely was integral to the soundtrack of my life circa 1993. If you are at this festival look for me, I’ll be the sober, clean, clothed one.

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List of songs I know all the words to by heart

Every song from the Sound of Music soundtrack. (you say ‘lame’. I say ‘how do you solve a problem like mariaaaaaaaaaa?’ at the top of my lungs in public.
Return of the Mack – Mark Morrison
Pillar of Davidson – Live
Throw Your Arms around Me – Pearl Jam
Drive – Bic Runga
Fix You – Cold Play
Thank You – Dido
The Story – Brandi Carlile
Falling Slowly – The Swell Season
It Wasn’t Me – Shaggy (and no, I’m not kidding)

I’m realizing as I write that this list is a result of these songs being played on repeat for days, sometimes weeks, at various phases in my life. Yes, even the Shaggy hit.

I’m also realizing the list is a little incriminating and implies I don’t know the words to anything current and that is probably true. Admittedly, this might be because my car cd player doesn’t have the repeat option and I don’t know how to get my ipod to play a track on repeat. Or that I no longer care about the words as much and just sing something to fill in the blanks. Usually that ‘something’ doesn’t quite make sense. I tell myself that’s okay because it’s all about the phrasing and melody anyway.

I’m happy to report that lots of amazing music has recently entered my world. Some of my new loves include: Ingrid Michaelson, Josh Ritter and Landon Pigg. The new Death Cab album has grown on me, even the initially-i-thought-it-was-obnoxious-8-minute-I-will-possess-your-heart track.

In closing, my recent music vice is just HOW much I like Estelle and Kanye’s ‘American Boy’. If it is playing, I am smiling. It’s that simple. Stop your elitist cringing. You know you love it too.

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I’m not really a big fan of comics but I feel like my life has been drastically improved by this little find.

Favorites include:
this one and this one and this one and one for Q

The disclaimer on the site is great too:
Warning: this comic occasionally contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for children), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for liberal-arts majors).

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3 comments on “Golriz Returns doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Batman Returns”

  1. a penny for the old guy Says:

    LIST

    (1) you are (as always) too kind, and too generous

    (2) crotch rocket? (oh yeah, that’s what she called it

    (3) if you’re in chicago get my suitcase of stuff from Eman!

    (4) Iron and Wine, Sigor Rus, Lupe Fiasco? I’m pretty sure that’s almost a Holy Trinity

    (5) Return of the Mack used to make me feel like a Mack (which is saying alot), and Drive still breaks me down to my component pieces.

    (6) my comic- um, freaking-y.u.m.
    translation: HILARIOUS
    (the phrase ‘freaking-yum’ i’ve borrowed from Ashtree cause it’s awesome and versatile and lovely) (also funnyish)

  2. roya Says:

    yess i was top of the list! how do you like them apples, lover boy?!

    i LOVE ‘crotch rocket’! totally not a dealbreaker for me.

    a deal maker even….?

    at this point i would like to share three funny moments of recent times that i feel somehow (somewhere) would have fit into this blog post:

    my friend has been living in america since age 8 but when he’s tired, his english vocab slips.

    place: 2am, our living room, all the flatmates and then some sprawled around chatting.
    J: i love those things on your face. they’re not wrinkles, and they’re not miracles..
    A: freckles?
    J: thats the one

    place: one afternoon, our kitchen. said friend is over again.
    J cuts finger.
    J: oh shit, i need a diamond
    everyone:…
    J: i mean bandaid

  3. roya Says:

    whoops forgot the third one.

    not the same person, but a similar ‘english-breakdown’ moment:

    mosquito’s begin to fly around. i hate them (obviously) and i had bought OFF! insect repellant recently.
    myself and two others start to slap the air to get rid of the little beasties.
    i get up and walk out of the room to get some water.
    my flatmate innocently yells after me ‘are you going to get OFF!?’

    myself and two others hit the floor

    classic.

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