i’m supposed to be asleep. the plan was 9.30pm lights out. it’s 11.16pm and though i’m in bed, i’m definitely not even close to being asleep, in fact i don’t even feel remotely tired. this is a dilemma i’ve faced my whole life. i get into bed and i’m wide awake. i know i’ll be exhausted tomorrow morning…but right now i feel like i could solve mensa puzzles all night long. i think perhaps i’m crepuscular…except for the part about being active at dawn. i’m a big fan of dusk however, and it seems that as soon as the sun goes down my energy levels peak again and i’m ready to conquer the world. i also just wanted to use the word crepuscular in this post because, admit it, it’s a fantastic word.
so as i was lying here being not asleep, i was thinking tonight about all the various paths i could take. it’s a bit overwhelming to consider all the options and all the big and little decisions that could change the entire course of my life.
i’ve learned that my intuition and instincts need more airtime. i am big on ‘thinking things through’. my whole life i’ve made exhaustive pros and cons lists whenever making a decision…but i i’ve finally realized that my heart, or my soul, or whatever creates that little ‘voice’ inside, will never guide me wrong.
i’m allowing myself to be a lot more heart-ruled these days. so far it feels amazing but also a little scary. it’s a liberation from constantly assessing and calculating, from over-analyzing and underestimating. but it also involves being authentic. saying what i want to say. allowing myself to feel it all. not holding back. in other words, being entirely vulnerable. and lo and behold, i’ve realized i’m not very good at that.
which leads me to el oh vee ee. love. i think i’ve been a little scared of love in the past. i felt like it would take away from my independence, that it might mean some loss of self. i could easily love my friends but loving the person closest to me was not as effortless. as i type i realize how odd this must sound but i was reluctant to embrace the emotion with sheer abandon, and i always had a plan b up my sleeve or an escape route of some sort already established.
at this juncture i am choosing to face and dismantle the silly rules i created and allow myself to release, revel, bask and delight in love. in loving and being loved. i feel like i’ve finally opened my eyes and the view from up here is breathtaking.