i walked in the rain for an hour today. suede boots got wet since nashville streets create massive puddles. i was indifferent. i sat in a quiet cafe’s window booth and stared out at the people walking by. people peered in at me nursing my latte behind the pane of rain streaked glass and i wondered if i looked ‘alone’ to them. because that’s exactlly how i felt. very much alone. and i’m slowly working at becoming okay with that. with not having distractions at every juncture. or filling my life up with noise. and movement. and the next thing.
last weekend i went to the movies by myself. for the first time in my life. it was not entirely pleasant but it was liberating. i watched ‘dan in real life’ which was endearing and ‘american gangster’ which was slow in parts, but interesting nonetheless.
i love the movies. i even love the previews. i love the moment when the curtains draw back a few more inches like it really makes that much of a difference and the lights dim. i love the credits. noticing what font was used, how the music weaves in…the scenes carefully chosen to set the stage. one of my favorite opening and closing credits is in the movie ‘closer’.
it’s still raining. falling asleep to the sound of rain is universally adored right? i was going to write that it is one of the things that i love. but i realized, i don’t know anyone who would disagree.
4.5 – sleeps till prague.
8 – years old when we moved from bangor, wales to timaru, new zealand.
24 – mountain view road. the first home i really remember clearly.
3 – dollars. what i was paid per hour for my first babysitting job.
12 – months since i was in maine buying henry a jacket so he could play in the snow without shivering.
29 – the estimated number of times i’ve watched ‘the sound of music’
5 – m2’s favorite number.
4 – yoga classes a week in melbourne
197,000 – dollars needed to sell in tickets to dirty rotten scoundrels in order to make budgeted goal
2 – siblings who i adore and miss
17 – days worth of music on my ipod. still uploading. and sorting.
1 – day needed to devote entirely to organizing my ipod.
100 – number of vacation days i would have in an ideal world
15 – number of vactaion days i have a year
7 – hours of sleep is now usual
4 – hours of sleep was usual in may/june/july
a friend of mine once told me that she was sick of seeing her friends ‘put their lives on credit card’. she wasn’t being literal – as in charging up credit…she was talking about the idea of putting happiness on hold. that notion of right now things are hard, but one day things will be great…so suck it up, stick it out. she decided to claim ‘great’ for right now. to take hold of her present and live it with as much joy and happiness as she could muster. and she did. it caused a lot of consternation and worry. those around her feared she had abandoned ship and was just acting selfishly. and perhaps to some degree she was. but it was because she could no longer settle for mediocre. for bland. for a life where she spent everyday hoping that one day it would all be better. she wanted better now. i remember being one of those ‘concerned friends’. i recall talking to her on the phone – her in the states, me in melbourne, and feeling like she was rashly making choices that she would one day regret. but the truth is, she acted with authenticity and courage. and now she truly is stronger, happier and healthier. life isn’t perfect of course but i think she faces it with more honesty. with the knowledge that there is no excuse for not living it well.
i’m not promoting giving up when life ambushes you a test. i’m all for facing those difficult times/situations/people head on because i know they are portals for growth. i definitely believe that. but i do think there is something to be said for acknowledging the need for change. and the fact that sometimes walking away really is the best option when all other options have been exhausted. i was raised with the notion that there is no room for quitting. and although i believe in giving every pursuit your absolute all, i think it is important to also recognize when to draw the line. when to create boundaries or to make different choices.
easier said than done, for it takes a whole lot of detachment and trust.